The Pencil Dancer

Please be Careful with my Heart

2008-11-19T08:30:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I could.
I can't believe that I could stop the clock from always ticking on me.
Tick tock, tick tock, perpetually tick-tocking.
Until it stopped.
This was the moment I saw you.

Yes, it stopped. But please, stop staring at me or else I'll be melting. *blush*

Okay, so you won't, but please be gentle on me, because I'm like a delicate flower.

Yes, I am a delicate flower, a type that you can add into your tea which you can drink to quench your thirst.

Quench.
Drink.

Oh, you're asking for my name?
*blush*
Uhm, okhkay...
Pattinson..Mrs. Pattinson. ( watevs as per Kae )

Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements

2008-11-06T06:41:00.000-08:00

My birthday is on March 7. I'm a Pisces. I've read somewhere that people born under this sign are generally emotional. I used to always disagree. Not today though. I'll put the blame on the giant wreaths that PBCom decided to recycle and hang for the nth time in it's lobby.

Christmas decors and songs that I see and hear outside home bug me, big time. I always put my Ipod on its 'fuck with my earwax' loudest mode everytime I enter SM, or even the LRT Line 1. I don't need to be reminded that this is the second Christmas that I'm single.

Dati, I used to always say that I'm 'single and fab'. But, lately, I feel just 'single' while the 'fab' is gone. Sinipsip ng drainage nung nag-shower ako before going to work. This is sad, no?

Eto pa, a while ago, like 3 weeks ago, I was chatting with my friend Anna. I asked for a song that I can download. She gave me 'Chasing Pavements' by Adele. I didn't had a clue about Adele or the song, but now I'm hooked.

My favorite lines:

I build myself up
And fly around in circles

At siyempre:

Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements.. t*ng-ina yan

Let's Stay Together

2008-08-31T07:47:00.001-07:00

Silently, I'm melting. Suddenly, it's December 2007 all over again.

Moonpools and Catterpillars

2008-06-24T14:43:00.000-07:00

Since lately, I have so many things in mind, I find it fun and more relaxing listening to backtracks. My recent favorite is a band from the 90s called Moonpools and Catterpillars. Listen to this one:

Samantha is F-A-B!

2008-06-18T01:55:00.000-07:00

Thanks Biboy for the images, loving them! =)

Ang Goatee ni Vaness

2008-06-16T09:52:00.000-07:00

Shuschal! Eye-love na talaga ituh!

Damier Graphite

2008-06-08T02:34:00.000-07:00

Libre ang mangarap...

Ayoko mag-move one, kasi...

2008-06-02T17:07:00.000-07:00

When my bestfriend broke up with her girlfriend, I was there to comfort. I was there to remind her that her ex is such low life that she should be grateful that she was able to rid herself of the ex.

I was there to lend all my thoughts on how my bestfriend will wake up the next morning fabulous. I was there if she needs to do her nails or needs some oatmeal facial. I was there as the best gay friend she can have.

Also, I prepared myself with the litanies of how she has to move on. I had completed the thoughts that I can lend with how to heal.

Siyempre, I brought with myself the words of wisdom:

Makakahanap ka rin ng iba, mas better pa.

You have to move one, you'll be able to love somebody that will truly love you back.

My bestfriend's reply was:

Ayokong mag-move on. Baka matulad ako sayo, after moving on, hindi ka na ulit na-in love.

Potah. Ultimatum ba ito?
I was not prepared for that thought.

Oo, ultimatum nga. I need to find myself some love. hay..

Haliparot ka Jollibee!!!

2008-04-14T13:34:00.000-07:00

Jollibee VS The Pencil Dancer

Another dose of Tyra..

2008-03-26T04:45:00.000-07:00

Trent Lane

2008-03-26T04:43:00.000-07:00

He's called Trent Lane.

And, I'm in love..

Tyra says F-I-E-R-C-E!!!

2008-03-13T18:10:00.000-07:00

OMG!!!

2008-03-09T14:55:00.000-07:00

OMG! I am now hooked. Juciy details, as in juicy details! Shocking. Entertainingly addictive. This is better than the new Marlboro Lights blue packaging that I just bought in MiniStop that comes with a free lighter for only P38.00.

As in...hay.

Click into this link or use this URL for the complete details about what I am talking about:

http://delfindjmontano.blogspot.com/

It's my Birthday

2008-03-08T02:49:00.000-08:00

In Friday, I’ll be turning 23. Twenty-three years of living may be considered both young and old. Too young for so many things, yet old enough to be exposed to all experiences life is to bring.

I must admit, I really don’t celebrate my birthday. The last time that I celebrated that day was when I was seven. I still have the pictures that my mom took from that day. After that, March 7 was just among the ordinary days that I have, and will have. Last year was different though. It was more emotional. And then this time, March 7 is nearing, yet again.

Maybe, it was the thought of getting old. Or maybe the fear of knowing that the more you get old, the more that you get more responsibilities.

Later this day, I was having some cigarettes. A guy, obviously a college student, was walking briskly. Probably, he’s late for a class, or something else. The real reason, I’ll never know. There’s something in that guy that screams young blood. And like a vampire hunting out for fresh warm blood, my mind started racing with thoughts. Many times I get delusional like this.

And then a thought occurred and ate all the other thoughts that I was having: he’s young, and I will never be that young again.

Yes, I feel old. Twenty-three years is old. There are many things that I wished I did when I was twenty-two. But, then again, the time has run out. All I have to do is to accept. Or, probably, I can make up to it by doing those things that I wished I did. Hopefully, my work schedule, me being a son and a brother and lastly being friend will somehow give me sometime to be just me.

So, this coming Friday, I am wishing for a lot of things.

P.S. I have given up the thought of forcing a friend about getting me Gretchen Baretto CD. Baretto CD sounds like a multiplex. And that this post was supposed to have been posted in Friday. Yes, there was a celebration. Yey!

Coffee Maker and the Blinking Thingy

2008-03-04T23:24:00.000-08:00

The blinking thing in my Microsoft word has been blinking non-stop for the past hour. I promised myself that tonight I’ll be writing the things that I have been pondering on for the whole week now. But, nothing would come out. Like what’s happening to the coffee maker at this point, no coffee would come out. My precious coffee maker is broken. Nothing would come out.

This afternoon, I was in my college, helping with some things that our yearbook needs. Evidently, the new staff of my beloved school publication is like my coffee maker and the blinking thing on my computer screen a while ago. Even if I pull out every hair attached to their bodies, nothing would come out. Nothing would simply come out!

Without me noticing, I gave up thinking what to write. So, I learned to just let go. This sounds old, but letting go of something or someone is the formula to get things working. It does sound old and ridiculously delusional. It takes a long while to learn how this works. And that long while is painstaking. It is like a limbo, where everything is of uncertainty.

But, we both know that this would change. Yes, eventually, everything will change. So, if you are in this process of letting go, but finding that nothing is coming out from it, don’t push yourself. This too will pass. And before you know it, things are starting to work out fine for you.

And when that time comes, all you can say is: Charot, bring it on, bitch!

LRT is a loving train

2008-02-14T00:00:00.000-08:00

'Ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit ako nandirito;
kung hindi ka nakilala, hindi sana ako nabuhay;
Kung ako'y mamamatay nang hindi ka nakikilala,
hindi ako mamamatay, dahil hindi ako nabuhay.

-Luis Cernuda

P.S.

For all the fabulous single ones (that includes me!), bitter or not: I officially announce the start of The Singles' Awareness Day. Yes, that's today!

And for the couples that have plans later this day: Leche! Tse! Pwe! (Oops, pardon the slip of sanity, I had too much BitterFrap.)

The Singles' Awareness Day Movement is organized by yours truly. For all interested parties, registration is for free. Simply click into the 'Post Comment' link at the bottom of the post and submit any ideas on how we can enjoy The Singles' Awareness Day.

Thank you!

char! =)

"E=MC².Touch My Body"

2008-02-12T14:40:00.000-08:00

Mimi has announced that her next album will hit stores on April 15th. The first single is called "E=MC².Touch My Body". She also hopes that with her new album she will surpass the Beatles record of 20 #1 hits.

You might want to listen to the new single, dali, mainit-init pa!

So, what do you think?

Madonna

2008-02-10T14:34:00.001-08:00

Her new set of cheeks is bothering me! I don't like those 'chicken cutlets' on her face. It reminds me of Madame Auring.

I miss the Madonna that I can view on You Tube. If there is a way to summon back the Maddona from the 90's, I'd definitely hit that.

To be rejected, or to be rejected.

2008-02-09T05:03:00.000-08:00

I was rejected by someone that I don't even know.

It was the first time that I went to Trinoma. I didn't fall in love with Trinoma unlike what Greenbelt or Alabang Town Center did. I just tagged along my good friend Cherry and some of her people: Bonnie, Nikko and Germaine. But the experience was good. I love it when the people I'm with love to talk, and I must say that those people has a passion for talking.

Some coffee and tons of cigarrettes after, someone in the group suggested that I get to know her good gay friend. Gay friend, as what was suggested, is a good writer (used to write for Chalk magazine), he was supposed to be an avid fan of books, is good looking, and is masculine enough for me. I'm not sure, but Cherry's people must have gotten to know the traits that I look for a guy within the 2 hours of talking and cigarrettes.

The plan was, Germaine will make sure that the guy is available, and his number will be forwarded to me. I agreed. Somehow I wanted to know the guy, but being disappointed and devastated many times with these set-ups, I didn't expect too much.

So, after a few days, the guy's number was forwarded. I must admit, I'm not sure what to do. Asking the guy if we can be friends in a text language is not my forte. So, I just saved his number and waited for nothing from my end.

Until my new friend Bonnie forwarded a lovely, lovely message about post-break-up scenarios. Being a sucker for these things, I sent the message to all the mobile numbers saved in my phone book.

4 hours after the message was sent, 9 people reacted. I was really sleepy, but noticing that the 'guy' replied made me read his message. This was how the chain of messages went on:

'Guy': "Hi! Who is this, please?"

Me: ( I decided that I have to be forward since I wanted to sleep already.) Hey! my name is philip and i got your number from germaine and thought that we could be some sort of friends, or something.."

'Guy': Did you view my friendster account?

Me: Yeah, I think I did once, you look cute. ( Damn! ang corny ng reply ko, leche!)

No reply from the 'guy'. I went to sleep and dreamt of something surreal like candles and labyrinthine houses.

The next morning was the time that I was blown. I was rejected by someone that I don't even know. And that the feeling is not that nice!

Ngek, what did I do to deserve this? Siguro ayaw sa mga blonde:

Shortbus: no movie review though

2007-12-30T06:43:00.000-08:00

It was on March 2007 that Leyn and I got our very first NBI Clearance Certificate in Carriedo, Manila. We had to take the old LRT line to get there. The experience was something that I will not again get into. The site of Carriedo, Manila was really depressing. Anyhow, after getting our NBI clearance, we decided to chill out at her place the whole afternoon.

To get to her place, we had to take the LRT line again. That was when we noticed this many stalls selling bootlegged DVD copies of movies that you can't get anywhere else. We stumbled upon this DVD copy of Shortbus.

I am no Jessica Zafra ( although, I wish that I am, sometimes ), so I can not give out a decent review of the movie. I just have to say that this movie is the only movie that I can remember watching this 2007. Because it is unforgettable.

I decided to post the movie's trailer. Many thanks to Youtube.

I miss my Tita Leyn!

2007-12-20T05:35:00.000-08:00

Wala na akong kasamang kakanta ng 'Sana Ngayong Pasko'..

may-sanib daw

2007-12-16T14:46:00.000-08:00

Do you still remember Sophie Ellis Bextor?

Or do you even know her?

I was watching one of her videos last Wednesday night. Ate Belen, the house help saw it too. She said: Sino yan? Mukang maypagkademonyo.

I was like: WHAT?

Far from being demonic, right?

So, naghanap talaga ako ng video sa esnips so that some of my officemates can access it using their PCs.

( Off topic: I was told that officemate is not the correct term for the people you work in a closed, airconditioned, fart-infested room. If officemate is incorrect, then what?)

OO nga noh. Beautiful. Demonic. I love her.

Keys me!

2007-12-16T07:44:00.000-08:00

WHY?

WHY?

Why are you doing this to meeeehh...

Oh, no, I was not talking to my ex.

Yesterday I went home from work, dead tired and ready to jump into bed. On my way home, I was pondering if missing the flossing part before I go to slumber will make my perverted dentist mad. I decided that he needs to be humored and that I need to sleep.

So there I was, dragging my tired feet and inhaling a Marlboro Light trying to unlock the door when I suddenly realized that I didn't have my keys.

Panic, depression, anxiety, and everything blue began enveloping my very soul. Hope was fastly fading away, saying goodbye. Slowly, I felt the terrible pain that I might not get the sleep that I am longing for. I began feeling tiny bumps on my face, all around it. Pimples are slowly creeping their way to my face's damnation. Slowly eating, swallowing the days that I used Proactive. Those were the days that I felt so beautiful, I was so beautiful it hurts. I won't be getting the sleep that I have longed for.

My bag does not have the keys. No part of the bag jingles the keys. No part of the biggest man-purse that I owned bears those keys.

Then a thought. Left hand busy holding the puffed cancer stick. The right busying itself checking and rechecking the big bad bag. Then back to the left hand. It holds the cancer stick sandwiched by the index and middle finger, and inside the palm has something hard and shiny. It was the bunch of keys.

Damn. I really needed that sleep.

tutu day!

2007-12-14T21:46:00.000-08:00

froo..froo..

too..too..

The Pencil Dancer has done it again!

Okay..people..you can kill me now! =)

My Kuya Jock's Emancipation

2007-12-10T16:03:00.000-08:00

It is not everyday that you get somebody whispering to you that he is gay. That does not usually happen while you are inhaling 'chicken lugaw with fresh eggs' and 'tapsilog'. Those moments are to cherish. A moment to celebrate the divorce of that somebody from 31 years of 'captivity'.

'I think I'm gay...'

My reaction to the speaker was to spill some lugaw into the thin air and feel some fill my nostrils.

Laughter.

'Don't laugh at me, gago, seryoso ako.'

Okay, I get it. Homosexuality has something to do with genes. It's not the outcome of a sad childhood or the buns that Imelda Marcos has fed the children of Philippine public schools in the 1970's. It has something to do with genes, and it flows in the blood and is transferred from one generation to another.

There will be a time that my lastname will be semi-extinct. And I am proud if that will happen because half of the population that carries this lastname has admitted that they are gay and that they do not have to marry to have children and follow what they refer to as the normal way of life.

I am proud. 31 years of pretending to be something else, and now you are free. Welcome to the family, kuya!

Remember:

1. You are good looking and that many gays out there will be out hunting you. You are to have a very colorful and lovely love life.

2. Of course, since you are good looking, and that many gays out there are about to hunt you, sex will be great. You just have to keep in mind that gays are just like the women you used to date, they need respect, special attention and safe sex. Also, you have to have the same treatment.

3. You now have a license to wear skinny jeans, but you have to buy yourself some because I will not loan you mine.

4. Being gay is fun! You can sing Anita Baker songs while in the shower.

5. You also have the right to carry those beautiful man-purses. Again, I am not to loan mine.

6. You also have the access to the best concealers, toners, moisturizers, foundations, exfoliants,etc. I will spare you some of my precious time and we can go shopping.

7. You can check the shirts at Topshop and Folded and Hung as starters.

8. You get to party with real fun people.

9. We can watch 'A walk in the Clouds', 'My Bestfriend's Wedding', etc. with the audio blasting on a Sunday night in exchange to those boring PBA/NBA games.

10. Lastly, we can listen to Regine without any guilt.

There are so many things to do and to enjoy. I am very happy for you. And now, I can sleep.

promises...yeah..

2007-12-09T07:20:00.000-08:00

Two weeks ago, I made a promise that I will never commit to any sexually-related act with anyone but myself until I find him, or the one, or the person that will watch over me. It was taking too long. I hate to say this, but I failed. The promise that was kept for two weeks was broken, shuttered to pieces. But it was awesome.

The guy happened to be one of Dr. Margie Holmes's stalkers. That was enough explanation.

I have a new crush..

2007-12-07T06:39:00.000-08:00

The thought of him melts the brain cells away.

The brain cells are just too happy to protest on why they are melting.

melt..melt..melt..

too happy to protest..

just evaporize..

poof..

into thin air you go..

I have a new crush..

I feel so girley..

P.S. My friend Leyn can't look directly at the crotch area...what's with that girl? hmm...mahalay! =)

My Christmas wish

2007-12-03T05:46:00.000-08:00

December is bitter-sweet and I never liked Christmas trees. Those plastic trees seem to be too pretentious.

But then again, it serves it's purpose of making some people feel that for once, there is something to be happy with.

Sometimes I feel like this plastic tree. But the thing is that, my tree lacks the garlands, the shiny Christmas balls and the happy lights.

So, this coming Christmas, my wish is that I find all those things to make my tree look and feel Christmas-y.

Moving Up!

2007-11-26T11:35:00.000-08:00

Merci beaucoup, mes amis! Thanks people for lending me your ears, I really appreciate it. I really do.

Anyhow, I'm trying my best to be okay that's why I am okay. One day I will be more than that. I promise.

I am finally letting go, of him as well as the friendship. After I got his last response, I didn't contact him back. That was it. He said on the many emails and text messages he sent after, that he wants us to talk, to settle things. But, I am letting go. I have many beautiful days to commit into. It's not healthy to keep him anymore.

Words were said between us. Plans were set. He was not going to hesitate anymore: his own words. Blissfull actions were lovingly done to each other that night. So that's why I said that 'kami na uli'.

But, I was wrong, boy, I was wrong..big time!

Motto for today: Time to Move Up!

What the hell?!?

2007-11-22T17:31:00.000-08:00

I said:

Atlas,

I'm not sure of the length of time I struggled to move on from you. I am sure that it is obvious. Remember the time you called me at my mobile? You where still in the US back then. I know it was you. I hanged up. I was trying hard to forget you. I was bit by bit succeeding, until you came back.

I was not expecting anything but to get to rekindle the friendship. You stayed in my place the that night, we kissed, we somehow had sex. You said you missed me, I felt the same way. That is something that friends never do. I was in shock the whole time. I can not believe what was happening. I can not believe I was doing it with you again. Yet, it was there. It happened. I was happy. I was somewhat completed.

Today I received a call from June. I was sleeping when I got the call. Just imagine the horror I am having. Is he the June I am thinking of, the one who has my Lyceum shirt? Are you staying at his place? Are you two 'together'?

What are we? Are we 'together'? What are we?

I deserve an explanation. I need as much explaining from you. Please be considerate, I know that you are well aware of what depression is and its effects. Explain, so that if I will get depressed again about this, it might as well start right at this very moment.

He responded:

Hi Philip,

Yes, I'm staying at June's place now. The numbers I used are his. We are together.

I know depression and that's exactly what I feared. I realized that both of us haven't changed. Things are actually still the same for you. With that, I knew only worse would come. I do remember the postings you made on the internet. I took it as act of anger and simply let it go.

I'm supposed to be in a rehab center or mental ward right now, and clearly I'm not. I left my family in NJ because I refused to be attended by psychiatrists and psychologists. I have major personal issues that I wish not to go back to. It would be best that I don't show or let you experience the same things. I want us to be friends, and we have been great friends, but I know you won't even have that. I have repeatedly cited my intentions regarding our relationship. Yes we kissed on Saturday and even performed fellatios to each other. That's another area that perhaps we are not compatible in. And something I'm not comfortable in - it brings me to virulent parts of my youth. I meant it when I said, "I missed you". Yes friends do that. But I believe that friends shouldn't do that. We both know it happened and it was all real.

You' re still as moved by your emotions as before. I have been emotionally and mentally erratic and other anxieties. We both have depressive tendencies. I have substance abuse tendencies. The end of the equation will be unhealthy for both of us.

I'm sorry for how terrible I've made you feel. An apology may still not get through to you, but it really lies on you now.

I will wait for your reply. Also, don't expect that I write back immediately. I had the opportunity to open my e-mail just now.

If you would like us to meet to further talk about this, let me know the time, date and place. I will try my best to be there for you. Thanks.

atlas

***What should I do?

Signing Off

2007-11-16T14:05:00.000-08:00

I am quoting Tina Turner, 'Love is a second hand emotion'.

For my three passionate readers, I will be signing off for a while. I am to heal something.

Until next time.

Hopefully, someday when I get the guts to write something again, I can see your faces, or comments here.

(This has nothing to do with Tina Turner, but I want to share this song. Ciao!)

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eSnips Social DNA

Prayer

2007-11-14T23:43:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have been praying a lot. It's funny, because I didn't really had this habit of praying and being thankful for whatever I have.

But this time is different. For the past months, I have proved my strength in every big or small challenges that came my way. I was grateful, yes I was, but never did I really pondered that those are blessings from the one who watches over. This time, I am a bit scared. I do not want to loose what I earned lately. I wish so hard that the love I found will stay, until forever fades.

Perfect Day

2007-11-13T20:35:00.000-08:00

I woke up 6.22 AM, made some coffee and some toast for myself.

Sister shoved a glassful of cranberry juice for me to try on. This is part of her 'diet na pang-model', along with some slices of carrots and boiled kamote, one toast and a glass of cranberry juice.

I have to decline, I love my breakfast bland and unhealthy. I never liked too much flavor touching my stomach early in the morning.

7.30 AM, after making a fool of myself by smoking in our floor and getting my neighbor reporting me to whomever she reported me into, I was doing my laundry. This usually is the time of the week for me to domesticate myself. I hate it!

Anyhow, I have been doing this routine for a year now. I wake up, work, sleep, wake up, sleep, work. Haay, I want some changes..

*******

There'll be a time that my friend Cherry will decide to again go hit the computer to embrace the modernity of our generation. And when she does..hehe..

I want to thank you for being always there. Remember this perfect day? San Mig Lights for us at 9.00 in the morning. This will make us old, but yeah, it was fun.

Thanks!

The 2007 LGBT Pride March

2007-11-11T09:44:00.000-08:00

Got Pride?

Flaunt it.

Celebrate it.

Be there.

Because we will be.

Kill Celine Dion!

2007-11-10T08:03:00.000-08:00

Here's my story:

I feel restless.
I feel like running out of this room.
I want to feel my blood rushing within me.
I want to shout until my cigarette infested lungs burst out.
I want to stop listening to this mad love song.

I miss him.

for atlas:

2007-11-09T05:40:00.000-08:00

you give love, you get love

2007-11-08T18:03:00.000-08:00

philippe, Male, 22, In a Relationship

2007-11-08T05:31:00.000-08:00

I took a risk, but the risk is worth the consequence the future might bring.

I met up with my ex for some coffee, it was supposed to be a friendly reunion, because it has been two years since the last time we met. I was a nervous wreck. You see, I was scared. But the moment I set my foot inside Starbucks and laid eyes on him, I knew that I wanted him back. I just didn't know yet how to.

He gave me a hug when he saw me, stories he kept for two years were told and retold. We chained-smoked, laughed, reminisced the days we shared in college, revealed some of the reasons why he came back in the country, shared our love for jazz and Anita Baker. We talked about how old we are feeling lately, because after two years, there were a lot of changes.

It was a sweet and perfect conversation between two close friends basking on a reunion. But, somehow, I know that there will be no way for me to let myself be just another close friend. But then again, at that point, I was just another close friend.

After a while, he asked me: 'So, how are you feeling?'. Heart thumping and grinding, I said: 'So far, I'm feeling good.' That opened the chance to tell him how scared I was on meeting him again, how ironically, for two years I have been thinking about this meeting, anticipating and dreading it at the same time. He said that he feels that same way. He feels the same way.

Have you heard that old song with a message that a 'kiss is still a kiss'? It was an old song. A love song. That was the song that best describes that night. A kiss. After two long years, all it takes to rekindle everything is a kiss. All the bitterness, the rage, the secret anxieties, the hatred were forgotten by a single, long, warm, knee-trembling, heart-racing kiss.

At sa wakas, I am really glad to change something on my Friendster account.

philippe, Male, 22, In a Relationship

I miss it!

2007-11-05T06:07:00.000-08:00

I miss watching this show.

The Inevitable

2007-11-03T07:38:00.000-07:00

My ex is back in the country.

He would want us to meet for a cup of coffee.

I am scared.

I am freaked out because I do not have any decent thing to wear.

I am worried that I might not be conversant. He might notice that there is still some bitterness hidden within me.

I think that if I am to meet him personally after 2 years, I might want him back.

I'm actually scared.

What happened Saturday night.

2007-10-28T06:57:00.000-07:00

Did it ever occur to me that my mom can visit my place anytime she wishes to? No. So, for the past two days I was having this great dilemma. I should have started detoxifying my place of anything 'too gay' for my mom. Hay..this is too hard. Actually, I'm not really sure of what defines too gay. Because, living away from my parent's home for 4 years has made me so comfortable of being me, gay. Yeah, it changed my views on anything that might be too gay for my mom.

****

Last night, I was in a seedy apartment. It was my friend's party. Gay friend hosted the party as a way of ridding bad vibes from him. So, being a sort of good vibe, I was invited. Gay friend was lucky to survive an embarrassing 'call boy demanding he gets the pay and the Gay Friend's iPhone' incident. I brought along this cute guy I met from somewhere.

Too many white wine, some inhaled weed stick a fellow brought and a raging libido, I woke up almost noon in somebody else's place. Yeah, I am dirty. I felt shitty afterwards. Good thing, the guy I brought at the party loves to cuddle. It somehow led to smoothing my anxiety.

*****

When I got home, The Buzz was reporting something about Piolo and Sam getting ready for some legal actions against Lolit Solis. I thought: bagay si Piolo at si Sam, pero ang cheap na naman ng issue.

Ngayon at Kailanman.mp3

2007-10-25T08:05:00.001-07:00

If one day, I am to wed, this will be the song.

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Sedona Sunset

2007-10-25T06:51:00.000-07:00

My life has its sunshines and its sunsets. For the past week, I am pregnant of the feeling of a sunset. Sunsets may imply many things. One might perceive that a sunset is just one of those 'start of any beginnings'. But for me, sunset implies an end. Another of those silly goodbyes.

I just hope that when the sun shines the next day, the pregnancy is painlessly aborted.

To Lady Lily, Angela, Nelson et Tasha:

2007-10-22T16:50:00.000-07:00

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I miss you guys!

grow old..and alone...

2007-10-13T08:06:00.000-07:00

I just had a pact with myself.

I have to be successful, really successful in something really noble, so that if ever I grow old and alone, I have an excuse to whom ever will ask me why I am old and alone.

I'll say that I'm married to my profession.

Here are some ideas I have in mind:

1. I want to be a Philippine Ambassador to any country where there are many Filipina nannies jumping off from high-rises.

2. I want to own a bookstore where I can sell my novels.

3. I want to be a part of a non-governmental organization that assist gay people with anything they need assisting.

4. I want to be the first gay journalist to cover any war U.S. would initiate.

5. I want to be an Editor-in-Chief of any major publication.

6. I want to be a lawyer. ( At 22, it is never late yet to take the course.)

7. I want to own a bookstore where I can sell my novels,and at the bookstore, I want to have a small, cosy cafe where intellectuals can discuss/debate the book I just wrote.

These are just some of the ideas I have.

**But, thinking of these thoughts made me rethink. Maybe, it is better that after a very long day, I'll have someone asking me: So, how's your day, baby?

another la greta issue?

2007-10-12T19:27:00.000-07:00

Oh my God! Tsk..tsk..,do not say that these are another of those things.

Obviously, the man is not Mr. Cojuanco.

We'll have to wait for "TV Patrol" and "The Buzz".

ka-cheapan

2007-10-09T13:51:00.000-07:00

This is really a big ka-cheapan. It's 5:00 am, and later I'm about to go to my little sister's school to defend her. Those extra-curricular activities related to P.E. should really be abolished, trashed, forgotten. It just develops stupidity/mediocrity among the youth. I mean, what will you get from all those 'dancing' classes which doesn't really contribute to whatever needs contribution? There should be these 'dancing' classes for those who can dance, and students should be given a chance to at least choose. There are many options: painting classes, pottery classes, drama classes, etc. One does not need to be trapped in 'dancing' classes.

Anyhow, back to defending my helpless sister. What really makes me sick is that the issue is really cheap! On one of those practices that they had for this 'dancing' class, one of the classmates lost her MP3 player. Her MP3 player happens to have a white headphones similar to those from iPods. My sister owns an iPod. but, that day she was carrying my old discman because I begged her to listen to my kind of music ( CD was of Erykah Badu). The discman, being archaic and all, didn't have its own headphones, so the white headphones from her iPod was the one being used. Since the white headphones was dangling from her bag, the ignorant/cheap/plain stupid classmate suddenly snatched the headphones from her bag and proudly announced that she found the 'magnanakaw'. This made my sister so furious, she was close to crying. Which is a big NO- NO for me! Na-ah! Nobody can bitch my sis! Na-ah!

So, later, I'll be wearing my best ensemble, practice my Diplomatic and Correspondence learning meet their Dean of Students' Affairs, and make sure that the ignorant/cheap/plain stupid classmate will burn in hell for her ka-cheapan...

monogamous relationship, anyone?

2007-10-07T08:52:00.000-07:00

Four gay men was in Starbucks - Intramuros last Thursday night. It was a call from Lino that got me showering and getting dressed for the monthly rendezvous. Lino is a research person for an NGO. With Lino and me were Chit and Roma. Chit is a chef and Roma is an event organizer. We all have nothing in common except the love for men, and the love for Chit's famous aunt, Josie Natori.

Lino was the one who got us all coming in time. He just broke up with his beau because of the latter's philandering. Lino was the type that any gay man could be more than happy to be with. With his wit and charms, I say that he is a good catch. Being Lino, I can't stop thinking why would his ex-beau do such thing? Lino being in his situation is also the main culprit in reinstating the big question in my head: Can gay men stay in a monogamous relationship?

Honestly, I think I might have the answer to my own question a long time ago. When I was with the 'love of my life', who happens to be an ex nowadays, there was a time when I let myself give in. I gave in to somebody I don't even know. I know that what I did was something not to be proud of, but I did it. Up to now, I can't say exactly what made me do it. There must be different factors that I'm not that aware of up to this day. Or, it could be plainly libog.

I never told my ex about it though. No one knows until now.

Having been into 'it', I must say that it didn't affect the relationship. Why? Because my ex didn't know that I did it. This thing might not affect our relationship because of him not knowing of the deed, but, clearly, it is an answer to my question. Most gay men might not stay in a monogamous relationship. It was a choice that these gay men can not clearly explain.

Ikaw, what do you think?

The Botox-ed and the Script-writer

2007-10-03T14:45:00.000-07:00

October is just beggining, so, like every first weeks of the past months, I promised myself that this month will be fabulous! ( you should read Fabulous with a Bang!) As in, I want it to be bang! bang! fab!

Everything was starting great. My spirits were high, I was inspired all the time, motivated even, then suddenly my PC screen popped up a message: " 1 mail received". I got a bad review! So bad I want to just go home, take a shower and temporarily die, because the effort I have put into my work got this low, degrading review. hay...

Anyhow, I'm sure that you have heard of the Desperate Housewives' one little episode that crashed the whole show, all the successful seasons it ran, and specially the Botox-ed zombie-looking Teri Hatcher. No offense to the show, which I found intelligent and witty, as well as funny, but I never liked the actress that plays Susan. Even if she didn't say the line implying that med schools in the Philippines is a big blah, I will always dislike her. Maybe, one of the reasons why I act this way is because I used to crush on Superman, and Teri was my nemesis. ( Lois and Clark series, circa 1990's, ABC5).

But, haven't you thought that the person/s who should get all the grudge of the Pinoys are the writers of the show? Teri Hatcher, although Botox-ed and zombie-like was just reading the script.

Think about this, my fellow Pinoys: eventually, she'll die looking like that, but think. She was just reading the script..

Notes on the Philippine Constitution textbook...

2007-09-25T19:39:00.000-07:00

Love is a long journey. When that journey stops, love has finally reached its home.

But, what if the journey never stopped? What if love thought that at last, home was found only to realize that the road would still be waiting? What if love thought that it is the master of its ship, but just realized that the sails can never meet its peace? What if the prince of your every fairy tale was no where in sight?

Wounds can heal, and pains would perish, but the emptiness of the soul lingers every minute of the day? And when you thought that you're alright, memories would still haunt you.

Sometimes, falling in and and falling hard with love can be tiring. Giving up someone you cherished so much is a painstaking experience. Is it this painful every time cupid strikes his bow? Possibly because this makes us cherish relationships even more. To learn the value of a relationship. To shape us to be the best person that we can be.

***

Falling hard for love is difficult. But being stocked weeping about the shadows of the past, I think not.

Life must go on. Hope will be the glowing traffic of our lives's many intersections.

***

Pain and lessons are the consolations we get from love, which we can use to move on to a different direction. Just believe that there's someone out there who waits and prays for you.

***

Real love brings out the best in all of us. It is the kind of love that makes us do well and feel good. This one is worth fighting for This could be a long process, but you surely wouldn't want to miss this. Give it your best try.

***

In loving, we tend to forget about ourselves. But love yourself first, so that in loving, falling and trying to love again will just happen spontaneously.

***

Be thankful that once in you life, you have felt so right about a person.

These I found scribbled in blue ink at the back of my Philippine Constitution textbook. Date was March 2004. I haven't been in love at that time. Not even once.

just because

2007-09-23T18:51:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt happy, but won't find the details on how to explain it?
Or, have you felt a smile sleepily creeping your lips upon waking up?
How about suddenly losing your thoughts because something really good has been crossing your mind?

But, then again, words fail to match every color of emotion you are having inside.
Everything just feels oh so good!
And you feel like shouting at the top of your lungs that you are, indeed happy!

Someone would surely notice the smiles, the dreamy eyes, the light tiptoe you have every time you walk.
Someone would eventually know that you are, finally happy.
That someone might ask you..why are you happy?

You suddenly became aware, that again, words will just fail.
And then you say with a smile.. "just because..."

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The Pencil Dancer

2007-09-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

For 22 years, life has been a lot of struggles in discovering, rediscovering, thinking that I have discovered and trying to forget some of those discoveries about me. With those small and huge struggles, I can say that I am victorious.

No, this is not one of those drama episodes you guys have been immersed to everytime you click into the web link for this humble blog. This is an episode worth celebrating.

For many years, I was a nerd. Yeah, with contact lenses, an awkward posture and hunger to prove that there is nothing wrong with being gay. Then I realized that proving it to everyone is the least important detail to ponder on.

Then came the time when I have to fall in love. Life was roller coaster. Life was.. him.

Which we all know is a big mistake. So, for a while depression set in. I realized that falling in love is not the game I'm born to play. ( And, I also realized that my hairline was really high!) So, came in the healing process. The time for rediscovering life again.

And then came the time I remember very clearly that I tried to embrace the inner 'amazona' in me. I tried playing tennis. Imagine that!

But, after a while I learned that I was never created to feel my sweat, to feel my hands being caloused from the tennis racket. Never was I created to feel my skin slowly baking under the sun. No, this is not me.

But, God was good, and made me realize that purple is my color....

...and that my middle name is Pencil Dancer.

P.S. I told you guys, I was a mermaid...

Guessing Game

2007-09-12T14:58:00.000-07:00

I was browsing thru my archives when I suddenly pulled out this picture. You may now start guessing who the Pencil Dancer is...

P.S. I'm so0o sorry Dax! peace! hehe.

Hello..

2007-09-12T13:41:00.000-07:00

Saturday, around 4 AM:

Induced by one miraculous sleeping pill, my deep slumber was disturbed by Rihanna's Umbrella. I thought that I was just dreaming, but Rihanna was singing from my cellphone. Good thing was that my battery was fully charged at that time. So, of course, realizing that the phone was actually ringing, I answered it.

Philippe: Hello? ( a phlegmatic noise gurgling from the effects of the pill)
Caller: Hello!
Philippe: Hello... ( this time, I was sure of who the caller was)
Caller: Hi!
Philippe: hanged-up, grabbed a can of San Miguel Pale Pilsen, a pack of Marlboro Menthols and went to commit a suicide.

The caller was the Ex, and I didn't die. Well, I thought I did for a while, but no, I have too many drama episodes to commit into.

Sunday morning:

I was dealing with a pretty mad stomach. I have a steel-designed stomach, so I wasn't sure of why my stomach was hurting me.

Cellphone rings. A text message: "Philip, hearing your hellos was exciting though abrupt. It seemed technology failed my own hellos to echo. Would it be alright if I make another attempt?"

I thought, second attempt for what? Another hello that would lead to my suicidal nature? A second hello that might lead for his another 'raining on my life'?

Or maybe, another hello to tell me that he wants his things back? This time for good?

I have no way of knowing, because no hello came from me this time.

The Little Mermaid and some other whatnots

2007-09-04T09:01:00.000-07:00

An officemate and I were laughing our throat out a while ago and it started with her noticing my skin. My skin, except from my facial skin, is naturally shiny. I don't know why, but it has always been like this. She told me that maybe I should go to a dermatologist for this to be checked. I told her that there is no need because it is with my genes. Why? It's because I used to be a mermaid. And then we laughed with this silly explanation. Thanks to Misterhubs, 'Part of your World' will be the office soundtrack for the rest of the week.

And then I asked her, what if you were given a choice, choice is: to work in this company or be a mermaid. Officemate said, she'll just work and get paid rather than be a mermaid, because mermaids don't have sex lives. Mermaids have fish tails and no sex lives. Ok, it took me a while to get her explanation. It was so silly that I wasn't able to grasp the idea with the normal speed I have for these things. But, she is quite right, I have to agree with her.

When I was younger, my younger sister and I was so fond of Disney's 'The Little Mermaid'. I remember her 12th Birthday, she was in an Ariel costume and everyone else was trying to mimic the party's theme. I was the Prince Charming (whatever that character's name was). No, I didn't want to be the mermaid back then, I was happy to be the prince. Back then, I wished that when I grow up, I'll be a tall, toned, bronzed, hairy and princely somebody. That was back then. Nowadays, obviously, all I want are those tall, toned, bronzed, hairy and princely men. hehe. It's really true that the only permanent thing in this world is change.

So, on with change. Being the only permanent thing in this world, the only key that we have to survive is to accept, accept whatever the changes might bring. Growing up, I always picture myself as a leaf. A leaf would never want to be separated from its tree, but there would be a time when the leaf has to go. The wind or whatever might bring the leaf to a foreign place, so foreign the leaf's only option is to accept.

Pooffed out the EX

2007-08-31T10:59:00.000-07:00

This makes me really angry! I dreamed that I was at last in love with somebody I totally like. The dream's venue was at my mom's house in Bataan, because I want my mommie to meet him. Then suddenly, my ex just pooffed from nowhere and we had sex. Sex was steaming and loving and oh so much like what sex should be with him when we were still together. The current beau discovered it and voila.. was toasted. Ex suddenly pooffed out and I'm all alone.

Like, OH MY GOD! Don't I have the right to move on? hay...

Hey September! Good start huh?

no matter what Jessica says...

2007-08-31T05:43:00.000-07:00

Jessica Zafra on 'A Love Story':

"Who was it who told me to watch A Love Story? I hope you were kidding, because if you weren’t I’m going to have to euthanise you. The non-linear storytelling: different. The movie: a steaming turd. The sheer grinding obviousness. Wall to wall cliche. Rampant overacting. Relentless overscoring. The 45-minute drunken Aga self-pity orgy. The godawful phony melodrama. This movie should’ve been released months ago, there are enough tears shed onscreen to end any drought. Put those people out of their misery."

But, no matter what my favorite person says about this movie, I'm bound to watch it tomorrow. I'll be watching it with my mom, so that if the movie wins or loses, we'll go shopping. (hay..I love Imelda.)

P.S. Yeah, I do love the craziness and spunk of Mrs. Marcos. And, I won't rectify myself.

Wentworth can not be Gay!

2007-08-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

I was blog-hopping a while ago and I was sent to this interesting blog. An entry was saying something about my ultimate crush: Wentworth Miller, something about him being gay.

I thought, he can not be gay! Of all the people I want to be gay, Wentworth is not worth to be one. Ok, so Piolo might be gay, as well as Richard Gere and Tom Cruise, but...no...not Wentworth. I know, I'm sick and crazy. But before you guys start bashing me with comments, listen first.

There is something in him that makes me feel like a lady. Thank you. And that I can never live the thought that he'll be with another gay man.

San Lazaro Hospital and their rodents

2007-08-29T14:04:00.000-07:00

My sister will be spending two weeks at the Cavite Mental Institution. No, she'll not be checking herself in, she'll be there as a volunteer aid. It's actually part of her curriculum to endanger her life from time to time.

There was a time when she has to spend weeks in San Lazaro Hospital in Manila. If you haven't heard of that hospital, it is where those serious infectious diseases are usually treated. Kind of scary, huh? But, then again, she doesn't have any other options but to serve her 'sentence' of weeks assisting nurses and doctors in treating people who didn't know how to properly use condoms.

Sis, having a good heart, became a bit attached to one of their patients (which is not really an advised attitude in her field). The patient is named Tita Daria. Tita Daria has a sexually infected disease, which would require his behind to profusely bleed, his stomach to have these monstrous aching every now and then, some unknown skin rash and lastly, a really bad cough.

Dinner table would be the venue of my sister's litanies about her favorite patient. My part would be the captive audience, listening to the gorry details while inhaling nilaga or tinola. I have to say that Tita Daria's case is really interesting. Pang-Maalaala Mo Kaya. He is a gay-transvestite who used to earn his living via prostitution. Later on, he got this disease. Now, he is bed-ridden and almost non-functioning. If only Tita Daria could have popped out that condom...hay..

And then one night, sister and a colleague of hers were called in to assist a patient. The patient happend to be the Tita Daria, coughing so hard, blood would spurt off his mouth. So, on my sister went to assist, sliding the hand gloves provided by the hospital.

No, Tita Daria didn't die that night. But guess what happened. After the patient coughed blood into them, the colleague discovered that the hospital has rodents. The hospital-provided gloves has these small holes, mice bitten holes probably. The holes were open invitation for the patient's blood to seep into the handglove. The colleague happened to have wounded herself earlier that day.

I'm not really sure what happened into the colleague. I just hope that she is still her healthy self, and that the hospital and their school are helping her with anything that might happen.

This made me thinking, what are rats doing in San Lazaro Hospital? And are there any law or acts provided for medical students? These people has their lilves endangered every time. I just wish there are some solutions if this instances occurs.

Trying to get the feeling again...

2007-08-23T14:07:00.000-07:00

Do you believe in 'Platonic Love'?

I don't, and I never will. Somebody from my past recommended that we have this type of relationship. A type of relationship that is everything but intimate physical contact. It worked for two weeks and we just realized that it failed. Why it failed? Because he's a sexual being. I'm a sexual being. I love long passionate kissing, long hot baths or a cold shower together, sleepless nights because of the naughty things I would love to do with his body and then waking up and cuddling into him. That is not Platonic at all.

Do you believe that a silly little love song can move mountains?

I do. For the latter part of the relationship I had with the person who wanted 'Platonic Love', I began noticing that eventually, we are going to split up. Eventually, he would leave and I would wallow for sometime like what I do when I'm bored. It was the last night that I was with him, the last day of college.

Every document to be submitted was submitted and resubmitted to make sure that we'll be in PICC on the big day. So, to end the day, we decided to grab some beer on our favorite bar. He was silent, so introvert me was silent too. Somewhat I knew what will happen next, so I prepared myself for the worse. Well, for months before that I was already preparing, so I thought that was invincible. But, I was wrong. Nina began singing 'Anything For You', an original Gloria Estefan. The middle of the song was when I just suddenly cried. Oh, I didn't cry, I was sobbing back then. Then I asked him, 'Why can't you love me?', and then I'm out. I don't want to hear anything from him. I was too scared. When I got home, cellphone has tons of missed calls and unread messages. I turned it off. And that was it.

What would you do if one day, you suddenly bumped into him?

I would smile, acknowledge his presence and I'm out, just wishing that I was wearing my new Viktors when that happens.

What will happen if he returns, begging you to come back?

I'll try to get the feeling again. But if it won't work, I'm too good for him now, and he knows that.

on line friend

2007-08-23T06:16:00.000-07:00

It was the same boring day at work. So, I opened my imeem on line account and got Amerie's 'One thing'. And then I opened my Friendster account and got a 'New Friend Requests' popping red in my Inbox. I opened it and..hehe...God is good.

He is called Lem.

He's a 22 year old model who loves DOTA( a computer game, I think).

He was requesting me to be his friend. True, he was the one requesting for my approval. Believe me!

wishing and hoping

2007-08-21T12:56:00.000-07:00

August is nearing its end. So here comes September. The time for me to save money for the upcoming holidays, time to think of Christmas gifts for people I love. Also, this is the best time of the year for me to wish that this coming Christmas, I won't be singing this song anymore:

P.S. just teary eyed and hopeful...wishing so hard it hurts.

Ode to the Daphne

2007-08-17T20:58:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Daphne! See, I didn't miss it! :-)

Im such a queen!

2007-08-12T18:52:00.000-07:00

I admit, I am such a drama queen. But last night was different. Last night was one of those nights that I felt I needed someone to hold me. Yeah, I get so lonely sometimes. And given the fact that last night, for some unknown reasons, my neighbor would keep on 'All the Man that I Need' playing all night long. Something was telling me that the neighbor is lonely too. But sadly, neighbor is a female.

So, to celebrate my loneliness, I have to post this little attempt for detoxification I made a long time ago. This was a summary of how I was feeling the whole time I was in a relationship with the man who kept on raining on my life. Plus, I have to update my friendster.com account profile..this 'About Me' entry on my profile has to go. But then again, I can't really let this go. I like reminding myself of how I was back then. It makes me proud that I overcame that phase. So, here it goes:

The sun has already set. Blue. Violet. Black.
I can feel that my soul had set with the sun.
I guess it wanted light. It wanted the warmth the sun used to give.
It wanted life. My soul left me.
I stared blankly at the blackened sky.
The moon is not to be seen.
The stars faded with the blankness of the sky.
The sky now is like me..pointless...dead.
I am dead. My body is decomposing.
My skin is now strips of blue, violet and black bruises that would soon smell and attract insects and vultures.
Maybe the sky is the reflection of my me. I would never know.
My eyes are full of clouds. The dark sky has filled my eyes so I can never again see.
I guess that was for my own good, not to see the misery this might bring to me.
I can never smell anything anymore but of the smoke of death my body furiously pushes to my very nostrills.
My body is motionless except for the right hand that would soon be paralyzed.
Soon, I can not write down my thoughts anymore.
My heart is silenced. I think that was for my own good.
Actually, I dont know anything that might bring me something good.
I can feel the darkness now.
It is blanketing this corpse with fear and perpetual sadness.
I'm going to rest now, my hand is too weak.
Maybe tomorrow I would fall into a deep slumber .
Maybe soon I can really rest.

P.S. I need a dose of Jake Cuenca!

Maybelline, Rihanna and Mac

2007-08-10T16:20:00.000-07:00

A week ago, I had a long vacation from work. I spent those days in Bataan where my mom lives. It was a Saturday, a common rest day for the whole family, so everyone was there. We were having the 'Ugly Betty' DVD marathon when mom suddenly butted in. Mom said: 'ang kinis ng mukha mo, anong foundation yan?'. I died right there..I just died.

You see, I could have just easily replied that I have a new Maybelline Smooth Clear Foundation No.12, and that it is water based so it is good for my oily skin and that I have used my credit card to purchase it because I'm always broke. But, no, I didn't. I so love her and all, but I find it really uncomfortable sharing these things with my mom. So, slowly an imaginary space created itself around me, cushioning me away from more mommy interrogations. So, after Betty somehow dumped the cute accountant of their office, I drifted away.

Anyhow, while that imaginary space was being built to completion, I was happily and greedily finding my way with my sister's new Mac notebook. I was born a PC person, so just imagine the pain I got from using these deliciously designed, glossy, flashy, godly Macs. I always thought that Macs are for gay people. Both are beautifully complicated. Both are unintentionally designed that way.

So there I was fondling that thing when I found these images:

It's Rihanna. Beautifully complicated. The first time I saw her pictures, I thought..is she gay? Well, anyhow, she is beautiful. I think I might have a gay crush on her.

This one is from her video "Umbrella". A song that is just plainly addicting.

If there is really a reincarnation, next lifetime, I want to be just like her.

P.S. What the hell is going on with blogger.com's font options? I can't even read my own post! Hala! bug..? bugger...

random thoughts on a rainy day

2007-08-07T11:30:00.000-07:00

Sade and the rain

Part of me really hates it when it rains. It makes me depressed..melancholic. Once, a special friend would refer to me as a "Perfect Melancholic'. Huge part of the reason he thought of me that way is that the whole time I was with him, there was always rain..emotionally.

Fortunately, when he suddenly decided that raining on my life was too much of a task, I began rediscovering the positive things that the rain can provide. One is having sex while it rains outside. Making love is not really the right term for this rendezvous because making love means fornicating a la Sex and the City's Charlotte..safe, respectfull..boring. Sex is Samantha: adventurous, wild,loud, passionate.

Plus, there is Sade. Rain and Sade makes sex a lot better. If you are to listen to Sade and her band while having sex, you'll notice that the rhythm is pulsatingly erotic. You may want to follow the gentle beat, the rhythm. It is sexual. But, you might not want to really listen intently to the music though, remember: full attention should be on the partner!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Things that makes me happy:

Since it's raining and I'm really prone to getting all mushy and gloomy with this kind of weather, I decided to make a list of the some of the many things that makes me happy.

- It makes me happy when i smell Aqua diGio worn by somebody I don't know. A while ago, I was riding an elevator and the smell was just hard to miss. It made my day for a while.
- 9 hours of sleep, induced by pills or not
- Country Style brown chocolate donuts
- dark bitter chocolate
- my MC card
- red stars partee tabs
- Gatorade, it quenches whatever thirst I might have
- my new untouched Viktor
- Sade and Patti Austin
- black cotton shirts
- Starbucks Caramel Machiatto
- kwek-kwek being sold along Ayala
- good movie, good book
- reading whatever Jessica Zafra wrote
- Isabel Allende's Eva Luna ( one of the characters line was: 'One day, I decided that I am beautiful...)
- denying I love Piolo Pascual

and finally...Jake Cuenca...hmm...

makes me really do a Sade act...

D&G ad

2007-07-29T14:42:00.001-07:00

beautiful...

must hate weddings..II

2007-07-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

The funny thing is that at this point, I choose not to believe in long term or lifetime relationships. If you'll ask me why, I say it is because it's really not healthy to hold on to something that will eventually end. I learned that lesson ages ago. The lecture I got from that lesson was really hard. But eventually, I became a good student and learned how to apply it.

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Anyhow, I was in my guys4men account last time and I realized that the two guys I have bookmarked has the same set of pictures. I'm pretty sure that both accounts are fake. I'm just wondering who this guy is. He's cute. He's chinito. He's mysterious (because the accounts that has his images are not real). He's an eye-love!!! Here are some of his images.

Cute!

hmm...

must hate weddings

2007-07-25T16:12:00.000-07:00

Sunday afternoons usually mean running personal errands, crazily scrubbing my bathroom tiles without handgloves, reading the latest book that I purchased or borrowed, or hooking up with a stranger I met on a Friday night. But that Sunday was really different. I was at the wedding of my cousin, to whom, a long time ago, I thought I've fallen in love to.

I didn't really want to come because (like many gay people of my age), wedding is like a funeral, just a bit glamored. But there I was that Sunday afternoon, wearing my Barong Tagalog and sweating like a mad pig. I decided to go just to pacify my mom, and also because I want to see Fernwood Gardens.

I really don't have something against weddings, I'm just not designed to be seated in a table with strangers on the reception and try to act as if I'm enjoying their company. That would be the one reason why I don't like coming to these gatherings, and the fact that many relatives would inevitably ask when I will get married too. One more time they do this, I'll scream at their faces that I am GAY, and that they should notice that.

Anyhow, the mass turned out to be a bit emotional on my part. Suddenly, I noticed how perfect that wedding was. Everything was just plain romantic. Everyone was beautiful. It was an intimate gathering of people celebrating the thing that the groom and the bride have been tastefully brewing.

And then a thought hit me. It hit me so hard that I was left melting after giving that thought a chance to corrupt me. I thought that I will never have this kind of thing in my whole life. It was funny and depressing...(to be continued)

P.S. as usual, I'm sleep deprived, so I have to rest my eyes for now. I just have to post this and set some of the thoughts free from my system.

amazing

2007-07-24T08:55:00.000-07:00

Tuesdays are always the most depressing day of my work week. Everyone I know has their rainy Mondays. On the other hand, I have my lazy, depressing, cigarette induced Tuesday! My lungs will soon collapse because of these Tuesdays. I'm not really sure why this happens. (depressing)

Anyhow, this entry is not really about work, nor about me (hmm). When I got into the office, I happen to pass by my friend's Yakisoba infested work desk. Like most of the days, the nosy me tried to butt into her world again to be noticed...and then I saw...

This is my very good friend, Leyn turning into this uber fab modelo. I'm really envying these pictures...like bitch envy!!

I can't find the words anymore, soon my contact lenses will pop out from my eyeballs and scream at me. I've been sleep deprived for 3 days now, so..

Next entry I'll be scooping more details about Cholo, the photog, and the images he creates ( and also if he is gay, single, top or bottom, et al). But for now, I just posted some pictures of Leyn.

P.S. images are a bit small though.. Leyn doesn't even know I got these from her..hehe

bitter kasi single

2007-07-22T12:12:00.000-07:00

(I used to have a blog prior to this one. And this was the first entry that I had there. Funny the way I used to think at that time.)

"I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with the maximum of pleasure, and minimum of bullshit. LOVE is something straight people tell themselves they're in, so they can get laid and they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with."
-Brian Kinney(Queer as Folk)

Sometimes I imagine myself in Brian's pants and shoes. Maybe, if I'm going to act the way he does or believe in the things he believes in, then life would be a lot bearable.
You see, I was burned before. I was burnt too much that I was left with scars my soul would bear for the rest of time. Once I was having a cig alone, a thought came up. We all experienced being scarred from loving something, for loving someone. It's like the burning sand that you walk in before you get to the shore. You have to feel the burning sensation. You have to scream if you have to for screaming and ranting and being bitter is part of the process. You scream and scream until you can't no more. Throat dries up so your only choice is to keep everything inside and cope and salvage yourself from the feeling that is slowly eating you.
Then silence. Then the cooling effect of the sea water on your feet. Then the comfort, the silent bliss.
But then again, this process is tiring. And everytime I experience this, there is a moment when I might not reach the shore. The next time I might not reach it...

must be...

2007-07-22T10:38:00.000-07:00

There are two Victors in this lifetime of mine that fascinate me. One is the maker of those uber nice jeans (which my credit card allowed me to have..purita). The other one is the guy that is on the picture. There is just something in him that tickles me and my libido.Pardon for the term, but he just oozes with...hmm...I'm not really sure what term to use eh. He just makes my heart melt. Oh, that would be it! It's like I want to keep that guy inside my pocket so that no one can see him but me (selfish bitch!), and I would grab him out of my pocket everytime I'm feeling blue. This must be love. Imagine seeing this guy the moment you wake up..snoring silently by your side..looking so vulnerable, then he wakes up and smiles. Heaven.

P.S. I heard a lot of things about this dreamboat..one is that is 'gay'. hmmm..

Keannu made me Pink

2007-07-22T09:44:00.001-07:00

Keannu Reeves made me gay. Or, ok..it's safer to say that he made me come out. I remember watching the movie 'A walk in the Clouds' for the very first time,and something inside me... the lower part of me reacted in a very 'weird' way. ( at that time it was weird for me to feel that). So, suddenly, I knew I'm gay. Suddenly, there was excitement when the screen would be focused on Keannu's imperfectly perfect face. And his pits too!

But, I never really have to come out. Yep, I admitted it only to myself. So imagine that for a very long time, I had the secret embedded to myself. Only to me. I didn't realized that some people are already wondering the what-nots of me being me at that time. Some thought that I'm just weird that way.

One day, I was silently taking notes for a class on Protocol and Ettiquette (DFA style), when I asked my seatmate (who happen to be my friend Carlo) if the 'taas collar' look for my black Lacoste would suit me. He just replied oo. And added: 'Sabi ko na nga ba eh'. I just smiled at him. He already knew. I don't have to explain.

The only thing that bothers me is that I have never came out to my family yet. Mom and sis don't know. Or, I just think they don't know. But I'm pretty sure that they do. I just don't have the guts to talk it over dinner or something. Again, I think I don't have to explain. They just know.