Moving Up!

Merci beaucoup, mes amis! Thanks people for lending me your ears, I really appreciate it. I really do.

Anyhow, I'm trying my best to be okay that's why I am okay. One day I will be more than that. I promise.

I am finally letting go, of him as well as the friendship. After I got his last response, I didn't contact him back. That was it. He said on the many emails and text messages he sent after, that he wants us to talk, to settle things. But, I am letting go. I have many beautiful days to commit into. It's not healthy to keep him anymore.

Words were said between us. Plans were set. He was not going to hesitate anymore: his own words. Blissfull actions were lovingly done to each other that night. So that's why I said that 'kami na uli'.

But, I was wrong, boy, I was wrong..big time!

Motto for today: Time to Move Up!

What the hell?!?

I said:

Atlas,

I'm not sure of the length of time I struggled to move on from you. I am sure that it is obvious. Remember the time you called me at my mobile? You where still in the US back then. I know it was you. I hanged up. I was trying hard to forget you. I was bit by bit succeeding, until you came back.

I was not expecting anything but to get to rekindle the friendship. You stayed in my place the that night, we kissed, we somehow had sex. You said you missed me, I felt the same way. That is something that friends never do. I was in shock the whole time. I can not believe what was happening. I can not believe I was doing it with you again. Yet, it was there. It happened. I was happy. I was somewhat completed.

Today I received a call from June. I was sleeping when I got the call. Just imagine the horror I am having. Is he the June I am thinking of, the one who has my Lyceum shirt? Are you staying at his place? Are you two 'together'?

What are we? Are we 'together'? What are we?

I deserve an explanation. I need as much explaining from you. Please be considerate, I know that you are well aware of what depression is and its effects. Explain, so that if I will get depressed again about this, it might as well start right at this very moment.



He responded:

Hi Philip,

Yes, I'm staying at June's place now. The numbers I used are his. We are together.

I know depression and that's exactly what I feared. I realized that both of us haven't changed. Things are actually still the same for you. With that, I knew only worse would come. I do remember the postings you made on the internet. I took it as act of anger and simply let it go.

I'm supposed to be in a rehab center or mental ward right now, and clearly I'm not. I left my family in NJ because I refused to be attended by psychiatrists and psychologists. I have major personal issues that I wish not to go back to. It would be best that I don't show or let you experience the same things. I want us to be friends, and we have been great friends, but I know you won't even have that. I have repeatedly cited my intentions regarding our relationship. Yes we kissed on Saturday and even performed fellatios to each other. That's another area that perhaps we are not compatible in. And something I'm not comfortable in - it brings me to virulent parts of my youth. I meant it when I said, "I missed you". Yes friends do that. But I believe that friends shouldn't do that. We both know it happened and it was all real.

You' re still as moved by your emotions as before. I have been emotionally and mentally erratic and other anxieties. We both have depressive tendencies. I have substance abuse tendencies. The end of the equation will be unhealthy for both of us.

I'm sorry for how terrible I've made you feel. An apology may still not get through to you, but it really lies on you now.

I will wait for your reply. Also, don't expect that I write back immediately. I had the opportunity to open my e-mail just now.

If you would like us to meet to further talk about this, let me know the time, date and place. I will try my best to be there for you. Thanks.

atlas

***What should I do?

Signing Off

I am quoting Tina Turner, 'Love is a second hand emotion'.

For my three passionate readers, I will be signing off for a while. I am to heal something.

Until next time.

Hopefully, someday when I get the guts to write something again, I can see your faces, or comments here.

(This has nothing to do with Tina Turner, but I want to share this song. Ciao!)

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Prayer

Lately, I have been praying a lot. It's funny, because I didn't really had this habit of praying and being thankful for whatever I have.

But this time is different. For the past months, I have proved my strength in every big or small challenges that came my way. I was grateful, yes I was, but never did I really pondered that those are blessings from the one who watches over. This time, I am a bit scared. I do not want to loose what I earned lately. I wish so hard that the love I found will stay, until forever fades.

Perfect Day

I woke up 6.22 AM, made some coffee and some toast for myself.

Sister shoved a glassful of cranberry juice for me to try on. This is part of her 'diet na pang-model', along with some slices of carrots and boiled kamote, one toast and a glass of cranberry juice.

I have to decline, I love my breakfast bland and unhealthy. I never liked too much flavor touching my stomach early in the morning.

7.30 AM, after making a fool of myself by smoking in our floor and getting my neighbor reporting me to whomever she reported me into, I was doing my laundry. This usually is the time of the week for me to domesticate myself. I hate it!

Anyhow, I have been doing this routine for a year now. I wake up, work, sleep, wake up, sleep, work. Haay, I want some changes..

*******

There'll be a time that my friend Cherry will decide to again go hit the computer to embrace the modernity of our generation. And when she does..hehe..


I want to thank you for being always there. Remember this perfect day? San Mig Lights for us at 9.00 in the morning. This will make us old, but yeah, it was fun.

Thanks!

The 2007 LGBT Pride March

Got Pride?

Flaunt it.

Celebrate it.

Be there.

Because we will be.

Kill Celine Dion!

Here's my story:

I feel restless.
I feel like running out of this room.
I want to feel my blood rushing within me.
I want to shout until my cigarette infested lungs burst out.
I want to stop listening to this mad love song.

I miss him.

for atlas:

you give love, you get love

philippe, Male, 22, In a Relationship

I took a risk, but the risk is worth the consequence the future might bring.

I met up with my ex for some coffee, it was supposed to be a friendly reunion, because it has been two years since the last time we met. I was a nervous wreck. You see, I was scared. But the moment I set my foot inside Starbucks and laid eyes on him, I knew that I wanted him back. I just didn't know yet how to.

He gave me a hug when he saw me, stories he kept for two years were told and retold. We chained-smoked, laughed, reminisced the days we shared in college, revealed some of the reasons why he came back in the country, shared our love for jazz and Anita Baker. We talked about how old we are feeling lately, because after two years, there were a lot of changes.

It was a sweet and perfect conversation between two close friends basking on a reunion. But, somehow, I know that there will be no way for me to let myself be just another close friend. But then again, at that point, I was just another close friend.

After a while, he asked me: 'So, how are you feeling?'. Heart thumping and grinding, I said: 'So far, I'm feeling good.' That opened the chance to tell him how scared I was on meeting him again, how ironically, for two years I have been thinking about this meeting, anticipating and dreading it at the same time. He said that he feels that same way. He feels the same way.

Have you heard that old song with a message that a 'kiss is still a kiss'? It was an old song. A love song. That was the song that best describes that night. A kiss. After two long years, all it takes to rekindle everything is a kiss. All the bitterness, the rage, the secret anxieties, the hatred were forgotten by a single, long, warm, knee-trembling, heart-racing kiss.

At sa wakas, I am really glad to change something on my Friendster account.

philippe, Male, 22, In a Relationship

I miss it!

I miss watching this show.

The Inevitable

My ex is back in the country.

He would want us to meet for a cup of coffee.

I am scared.

I am freaked out because I do not have any decent thing to wear.

I am worried that I might not be conversant. He might notice that there is still some bitterness hidden within me.

I think that if I am to meet him personally after 2 years, I might want him back.

I'm actually scared.