I said:
Atlas,
I'm not sure of the length of time I struggled to move on from you. I am sure that it is obvious. Remember the time you called me at my mobile? You where still in the US back then. I know it was you. I hanged up. I was trying hard to forget you. I was bit by bit succeeding, until you came back.
I was not expecting anything but to get to rekindle the friendship. You stayed in my place the that night, we kissed, we somehow had sex. You said you missed me, I felt the same way. That is something that friends never do. I was in shock the whole time. I can not believe what was happening. I can not believe I was doing it with you again. Yet, it was there. It happened. I was happy. I was somewhat completed.
Today I received a call from June. I was sleeping when I got the call. Just imagine the horror I am having. Is he the June I am thinking of, the one who has my Lyceum shirt? Are you staying at his place? Are you two 'together'?
What are we? Are we 'together'? What are we?
I deserve an explanation. I need as much explaining from you. Please be considerate, I know that you are well aware of what depression is and its effects. Explain, so that if I will get depressed again about this, it might as well start right at this very moment.
He responded:
Hi Philip,
Yes, I'm staying at June's place now. The numbers I used are his. We are together.
I know depression and that's exactly what I feared. I realized that both of us haven't changed. Things are actually still the same for you. With that, I knew only worse would come. I do remember the postings you made on the internet. I took it as act of anger and simply let it go.
I'm supposed to be in a rehab center or mental ward right now, and clearly I'm not. I left my family in NJ because I refused to be attended by psychiatrists and psychologists. I have major personal issues that I wish not to go back to. It would be best that I don't show or let you experience the same things. I want us to be friends, and we have been great friends, but I know you won't even have that. I have repeatedly cited my intentions regarding our relationship. Yes we kissed on Saturday and even performed fellatios to each other. That's another area that perhaps we are not compatible in. And something I'm not comfortable in - it brings me to virulent parts of my youth. I meant it when I said, "I missed you". Yes friends do that. But I believe that friends shouldn't do that. We both know it happened and it was all real.
You' re still as moved by your emotions as before. I have been emotionally and mentally erratic and other anxieties. We both have depressive tendencies. I have substance abuse tendencies. The end of the equation will be unhealthy for both of us.
I'm sorry for how terrible I've made you feel. An apology may still not get through to you, but it really lies on you now.
I will wait for your reply. Also, don't expect that I write back immediately. I had the opportunity to open my e-mail just now.
If you would like us to meet to further talk about this, let me know the time, date and place. I will try my best to be there for you. Thanks.
atlas
***What should I do?
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9 comments:
don't regret that something beautiful happened to and in your life. be happy that it happened at all.
life's like that bro. i feel this post, parang somehow sinampal din ako uli ng nakaraan. pero life is too short to be sad.
heal, and heal fast. hope you're ok.
my gosh philippe.. super shocker.. anyhow i think its best that you guys try to patch things up before it gets worse at para sa kanya mo mismo makuha ang mga sagot sa tanong mo.. yes life may be shitty and unfair but as they say if life throws you lemons , make lemon juice. Always remember that no matter what you have your friends to support you. Love yah girl. Angel
i have known you for quite sometime now. It is a shame (not on your part) that somebody like you will get sad because of what that atlas did.
he will never know what he'll miss.
listen philip, i know that you are down and tired lately, but you know that you are something special.heal fast sabi nga ni Carl, because you don't deserve the treatments that you got.
you deserve something better.
i suggest that you refuse his invite. puro lies na naman sigurado ang lalabas sa bibig nung taong yun. he is sick!
i know that it has been so hard for u to move on.. plagi m cnsabi n u felt u were treated as a basahan.. ginamit (sori for the term) then bsta binitawan at tinapon..
i think u need to let urself be healed from whatever it is that is causing you any pain. give urself a chance to be whole again. stop drinking ampalaya frappe coz bitterness might be blocking the idea of forgiveness. forgiving yourself as well as atlas.
and remember an apple a day keeps the doctor away! choz.. we're here for u.. your good old friends from from college.. u know u can count on us.. c'mon count! 1..2..3.. hehe..
As a prelude, there is always a time for everything philippe. It seems to me that you still have problems letting him go. What *happened, as to my humblest opinion, are just surges of hormones and nothing less. As to whether they are caused by your pent up emotions, or just physiologic tendencies, that I do not know. It's time to let go philippe. He's got a life of his own, now it's time to start yours.
And yup, you deserve something better. Start living a life in conformity to your personal goals and HAPPINESS and not of anybody else's.
But that's just me. :-)
Hope that helps.
I am so sorry for reading this post. I have no advice right at this moment but I hope everything will be settled soon.
philip, since i know everything and every emotion that ure feeling right now, i can't say anything more. basta for me, just look around and ull see another blessing from HIM.. anjan naman c..... oopps. hehe. ;)
cheer up. miss u so much!
thanks people for lending me your ears, I really appreciate it.
anyhow, i'm trying my best to be okay that's why i am okay. one day i will be more than that. i am finally letting go, of him as well as the friendship. it's not healthy to keep it anymore.
words were said between him and me. plans were set. he was not going to hesitate anymore: his own words. blissfull actions were lovingly done to each other that night. so that's why i said that 'kami na uli'. but i was wrong, boy i was wrong..big time!
so, time to move up!
If you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend you to read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. The beginning may be boring - talks about flowers, buddha, et al. - but as the page numbers crawl the middle, eyes start to read like infrared scanners. There are plenty of moments when I had to reread lines, phrases, or paragraphs, which is then followed with a moment of physical paralysis, but with my scattered thoughts - wildly active - suddenly collide into a beam of clarity. It's quite elevating. I may not make sense right now, but I think once you read chapters of the book regarding ego, pain-body, awareness, thoughtlessness, true happiness, etc., you'll probably have understanding of my gist. This could be considered a self-help book but I personally don't categorize it as such. It's intrinsically different and truly helpful in innumerable ways. Oh, don't worry, it's not like "The Purpose Driven Life" which I remember reading the first two lines of the preface and quickly tossed it without remorse. Another plus factor to read "A New Earth" is that it's part of our strong black sistah, Oprah's Book Club. She even has a segment on her website where Tolle provides lessons utilizing principles/philosophies from his books. I really recommend it to whoever might be reading this. If you're unmotivated to get your ass off to get a copy, I will gladly send a copy. That's how much I really want you to read it. If you already read it, I hope you blog about it. If you're not convinced, Imma call my gurl Oprah on you and make sure she gives you a hard ass-whoopin'...so you bettah!
atlas
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