Ayoko mag-move one, kasi...

When my bestfriend broke up with her girlfriend, I was there to comfort. I was there to remind her that her ex is such low life that she should be grateful that she was able to rid herself of the ex.

I was there to lend all my thoughts on how my bestfriend will wake up the next morning fabulous. I was there if she needs to do her nails or needs some oatmeal facial. I was there as the best gay friend she can have.

Also, I prepared myself with the litanies of how she has to move on. I had completed the thoughts that I can lend with how to heal.

Siyempre, I brought with myself the words of wisdom:

Makakahanap ka rin ng iba, mas better pa.

You have to move one, you'll be able to love somebody that will truly love you back.

My bestfriend's reply was:

Ayokong mag-move on. Baka matulad ako sayo, after moving on, hindi ka na ulit na-in love.

Potah. Ultimatum ba ito?
I was not prepared for that thought.

Oo, ultimatum nga. I need to find myself some love. hay..

OMG!!!

OMG! I am now hooked. Juciy details, as in juicy details! Shocking. Entertainingly addictive. This is better than the new Marlboro Lights blue packaging that I just bought in MiniStop that comes with a free lighter for only P38.00.

As in...hay.

Click into this link or use this URL for the complete details about what I am talking about:

http://delfindjmontano.blogspot.com/

It's my Birthday

In Friday, I’ll be turning 23. Twenty-three years of living may be considered both young and old. Too young for so many things, yet old enough to be exposed to all experiences life is to bring.

I must admit, I really don’t celebrate my birthday. The last time that I celebrated that day was when I was seven. I still have the pictures that my mom took from that day. After that, March 7 was just among the ordinary days that I have, and will have. Last year was different though. It was more emotional. And then this time, March 7 is nearing, yet again.

Maybe, it was the thought of getting old. Or maybe the fear of knowing that the more you get old, the more that you get more responsibilities.

Later this day, I was having some cigarettes. A guy, obviously a college student, was walking briskly. Probably, he’s late for a class, or something else. The real reason, I’ll never know. There’s something in that guy that screams young blood. And like a vampire hunting out for fresh warm blood, my mind started racing with thoughts. Many times I get delusional like this.

And then a thought occurred and ate all the other thoughts that I was having: he’s young, and I will never be that young again.

Yes, I feel old. Twenty-three years is old. There are many things that I wished I did when I was twenty-two. But, then again, the time has run out. All I have to do is to accept. Or, probably, I can make up to it by doing those things that I wished I did. Hopefully, my work schedule, me being a son and a brother and lastly being friend will somehow give me sometime to be just me.

So, this coming Friday, I am wishing for a lot of things.

P.S. I have given up the thought of forcing a friend about getting me Gretchen Baretto CD. Baretto CD sounds like a multiplex. And that this post was supposed to have been posted in Friday. Yes, there was a celebration. Yey!

To be rejected, or to be rejected.

I was rejected by someone that I don't even know.

It was the first time that I went to Trinoma. I didn't fall in love with Trinoma unlike what Greenbelt or Alabang Town Center did. I just tagged along my good friend Cherry and some of her people: Bonnie, Nikko and Germaine. But the experience was good. I love it when the people I'm with love to talk, and I must say that those people has a passion for talking.

Some coffee and tons of cigarrettes after, someone in the group suggested that I get to know her good gay friend. Gay friend, as what was suggested, is a good writer (used to write for Chalk magazine), he was supposed to be an avid fan of books, is good looking, and is masculine enough for me. I'm not sure, but Cherry's people must have gotten to know the traits that I look for a guy within the 2 hours of talking and cigarrettes.

The plan was, Germaine will make sure that the guy is available, and his number will be forwarded to me. I agreed. Somehow I wanted to know the guy, but being disappointed and devastated many times with these set-ups, I didn't expect too much.

So, after a few days, the guy's number was forwarded. I must admit, I'm not sure what to do. Asking the guy if we can be friends in a text language is not my forte. So, I just saved his number and waited for nothing from my end.

Until my new friend Bonnie forwarded a lovely, lovely message about post-break-up scenarios. Being a sucker for these things, I sent the message to all the mobile numbers saved in my phone book.

4 hours after the message was sent, 9 people reacted. I was really sleepy, but noticing that the 'guy' replied made me read his message. This was how the chain of messages went on:


'Guy': "Hi! Who is this, please?"


Me: ( I decided that I have to be forward since I wanted to sleep already.) Hey! my name is philip and i got your number from germaine and thought that we could be some sort of friends, or something.."


'Guy': Did you view my friendster account?


Me: Yeah, I think I did once, you look cute. ( Damn! ang corny ng reply ko, leche!)


No reply from the 'guy'. I went to sleep and dreamt of something surreal like candles and labyrinthine houses.


The next morning was the time that I was blown. I was rejected by someone that I don't even know. And that the feeling is not that nice!




Ngek, what did I do to deserve this? Siguro ayaw sa mga blonde:

I miss my Tita Leyn!

Wala na akong kasamang kakanta ng 'Sana Ngayong Pasko'..

tutu day!

froo..froo..

too..too..

The Pencil Dancer has done it again!


Okay..people..you can kill me now! =)

My Kuya Jock's Emancipation

It is not everyday that you get somebody whispering to you that he is gay. That does not usually happen while you are inhaling 'chicken lugaw with fresh eggs' and 'tapsilog'. Those moments are to cherish. A moment to celebrate the divorce of that somebody from 31 years of 'captivity'.

'I think I'm gay...'

My reaction to the speaker was to spill some lugaw into the thin air and feel some fill my nostrils.

Laughter.

'Don't laugh at me, gago, seryoso ako.'

Okay, I get it. Homosexuality has something to do with genes. It's not the outcome of a sad childhood or the buns that Imelda Marcos has fed the children of Philippine public schools in the 1970's. It has something to do with genes, and it flows in the blood and is transferred from one generation to another.

There will be a time that my lastname will be semi-extinct. And I am proud if that will happen because half of the population that carries this lastname has admitted that they are gay and that they do not have to marry to have children and follow what they refer to as the normal way of life.

I am proud. 31 years of pretending to be something else, and now you are free. Welcome to the family, kuya!

Remember:

1. You are good looking and that many gays out there will be out hunting you. You are to have a very colorful and lovely love life.

2. Of course, since you are good looking, and that many gays out there are about to hunt you, sex will be great. You just have to keep in mind that gays are just like the women you used to date, they need respect, special attention and safe sex. Also, you have to have the same treatment.

3. You now have a license to wear skinny jeans, but you have to buy yourself some because I will not loan you mine.

4. Being gay is fun! You can sing Anita Baker songs while in the shower.

5. You also have the right to carry those beautiful man-purses. Again, I am not to loan mine.

6. You also have the access to the best concealers, toners, moisturizers, foundations, exfoliants,etc. I will spare you some of my precious time and we can go shopping.

7. You can check the shirts at Topshop and Folded and Hung as starters.

8. You get to party with real fun people.

9. We can watch 'A walk in the Clouds', 'My Bestfriend's Wedding', etc. with the audio blasting on a Sunday night in exchange to those boring PBA/NBA games.

10. Lastly, we can listen to Regine without any guilt.

There are so many things to do and to enjoy. I am very happy for you. And now, I can sleep.

promises...yeah..

Two weeks ago, I made a promise that I will never commit to any sexually-related act with anyone but myself until I find him, or the one, or the person that will watch over me. It was taking too long. I hate to say this, but I failed. The promise that was kept for two weeks was broken, shuttered to pieces. But it was awesome.

The guy happened to be one of Dr. Margie Holmes's stalkers. That was enough explanation.

I have a new crush..

The thought of him melts the brain cells away.

The brain cells are just too happy to protest on why they are melting.

melt..melt..melt..

too happy to protest..

just evaporize..

poof..

into thin air you go..

I have a new crush..

I feel so girley..

P.S. My friend Leyn can't look directly at the crotch area...what's with that girl? hmm...mahalay! =)

My Christmas wish

December is bitter-sweet and I never liked Christmas trees. Those plastic trees seem to be too pretentious.





But then again, it serves it's purpose of making some people feel that for once, there is something to be happy with.





Sometimes I feel like this plastic tree. But the thing is that, my tree lacks the garlands, the shiny Christmas balls and the happy lights.





So, this coming Christmas, my wish is that I find all those things to make my tree look and feel Christmas-y.

Moving Up!

Merci beaucoup, mes amis! Thanks people for lending me your ears, I really appreciate it. I really do.

Anyhow, I'm trying my best to be okay that's why I am okay. One day I will be more than that. I promise.

I am finally letting go, of him as well as the friendship. After I got his last response, I didn't contact him back. That was it. He said on the many emails and text messages he sent after, that he wants us to talk, to settle things. But, I am letting go. I have many beautiful days to commit into. It's not healthy to keep him anymore.

Words were said between us. Plans were set. He was not going to hesitate anymore: his own words. Blissfull actions were lovingly done to each other that night. So that's why I said that 'kami na uli'.

But, I was wrong, boy, I was wrong..big time!

Motto for today: Time to Move Up!

What the hell?!?

I said:

Atlas,

I'm not sure of the length of time I struggled to move on from you. I am sure that it is obvious. Remember the time you called me at my mobile? You where still in the US back then. I know it was you. I hanged up. I was trying hard to forget you. I was bit by bit succeeding, until you came back.

I was not expecting anything but to get to rekindle the friendship. You stayed in my place the that night, we kissed, we somehow had sex. You said you missed me, I felt the same way. That is something that friends never do. I was in shock the whole time. I can not believe what was happening. I can not believe I was doing it with you again. Yet, it was there. It happened. I was happy. I was somewhat completed.

Today I received a call from June. I was sleeping when I got the call. Just imagine the horror I am having. Is he the June I am thinking of, the one who has my Lyceum shirt? Are you staying at his place? Are you two 'together'?

What are we? Are we 'together'? What are we?

I deserve an explanation. I need as much explaining from you. Please be considerate, I know that you are well aware of what depression is and its effects. Explain, so that if I will get depressed again about this, it might as well start right at this very moment.



He responded:

Hi Philip,

Yes, I'm staying at June's place now. The numbers I used are his. We are together.

I know depression and that's exactly what I feared. I realized that both of us haven't changed. Things are actually still the same for you. With that, I knew only worse would come. I do remember the postings you made on the internet. I took it as act of anger and simply let it go.

I'm supposed to be in a rehab center or mental ward right now, and clearly I'm not. I left my family in NJ because I refused to be attended by psychiatrists and psychologists. I have major personal issues that I wish not to go back to. It would be best that I don't show or let you experience the same things. I want us to be friends, and we have been great friends, but I know you won't even have that. I have repeatedly cited my intentions regarding our relationship. Yes we kissed on Saturday and even performed fellatios to each other. That's another area that perhaps we are not compatible in. And something I'm not comfortable in - it brings me to virulent parts of my youth. I meant it when I said, "I missed you". Yes friends do that. But I believe that friends shouldn't do that. We both know it happened and it was all real.

You' re still as moved by your emotions as before. I have been emotionally and mentally erratic and other anxieties. We both have depressive tendencies. I have substance abuse tendencies. The end of the equation will be unhealthy for both of us.

I'm sorry for how terrible I've made you feel. An apology may still not get through to you, but it really lies on you now.

I will wait for your reply. Also, don't expect that I write back immediately. I had the opportunity to open my e-mail just now.

If you would like us to meet to further talk about this, let me know the time, date and place. I will try my best to be there for you. Thanks.

atlas

***What should I do?

Signing Off

I am quoting Tina Turner, 'Love is a second hand emotion'.

For my three passionate readers, I will be signing off for a while. I am to heal something.

Until next time.

Hopefully, someday when I get the guts to write something again, I can see your faces, or comments here.

(This has nothing to do with Tina Turner, but I want to share this song. Ciao!)

Get this widget Track details eSnips Social DNA

Prayer

Lately, I have been praying a lot. It's funny, because I didn't really had this habit of praying and being thankful for whatever I have.

But this time is different. For the past months, I have proved my strength in every big or small challenges that came my way. I was grateful, yes I was, but never did I really pondered that those are blessings from the one who watches over. This time, I am a bit scared. I do not want to loose what I earned lately. I wish so hard that the love I found will stay, until forever fades.

The 2007 LGBT Pride March

Got Pride?

Flaunt it.

Celebrate it.

Be there.

Because we will be.

Kill Celine Dion!

Here's my story:

I feel restless.
I feel like running out of this room.
I want to feel my blood rushing within me.
I want to shout until my cigarette infested lungs burst out.
I want to stop listening to this mad love song.

I miss him.

philippe, Male, 22, In a Relationship

I took a risk, but the risk is worth the consequence the future might bring.

I met up with my ex for some coffee, it was supposed to be a friendly reunion, because it has been two years since the last time we met. I was a nervous wreck. You see, I was scared. But the moment I set my foot inside Starbucks and laid eyes on him, I knew that I wanted him back. I just didn't know yet how to.

He gave me a hug when he saw me, stories he kept for two years were told and retold. We chained-smoked, laughed, reminisced the days we shared in college, revealed some of the reasons why he came back in the country, shared our love for jazz and Anita Baker. We talked about how old we are feeling lately, because after two years, there were a lot of changes.

It was a sweet and perfect conversation between two close friends basking on a reunion. But, somehow, I know that there will be no way for me to let myself be just another close friend. But then again, at that point, I was just another close friend.

After a while, he asked me: 'So, how are you feeling?'. Heart thumping and grinding, I said: 'So far, I'm feeling good.' That opened the chance to tell him how scared I was on meeting him again, how ironically, for two years I have been thinking about this meeting, anticipating and dreading it at the same time. He said that he feels that same way. He feels the same way.

Have you heard that old song with a message that a 'kiss is still a kiss'? It was an old song. A love song. That was the song that best describes that night. A kiss. After two long years, all it takes to rekindle everything is a kiss. All the bitterness, the rage, the secret anxieties, the hatred were forgotten by a single, long, warm, knee-trembling, heart-racing kiss.

At sa wakas, I am really glad to change something on my Friendster account.

philippe, Male, 22, In a Relationship

I miss it!

I miss watching this show.

The Inevitable

My ex is back in the country.

He would want us to meet for a cup of coffee.

I am scared.

I am freaked out because I do not have any decent thing to wear.

I am worried that I might not be conversant. He might notice that there is still some bitterness hidden within me.

I think that if I am to meet him personally after 2 years, I might want him back.

I'm actually scared.

What happened Saturday night.

Did it ever occur to me that my mom can visit my place anytime she wishes to? No. So, for the past two days I was having this great dilemma. I should have started detoxifying my place of anything 'too gay' for my mom. Hay..this is too hard. Actually, I'm not really sure of what defines too gay. Because, living away from my parent's home for 4 years has made me so comfortable of being me, gay. Yeah, it changed my views on anything that might be too gay for my mom.

****

Last night, I was in a seedy apartment. It was my friend's party. Gay friend hosted the party as a way of ridding bad vibes from him. So, being a sort of good vibe, I was invited. Gay friend was lucky to survive an embarrassing 'call boy demanding he gets the pay and the Gay Friend's iPhone' incident. I brought along this cute guy I met from somewhere.

Too many white wine, some inhaled weed stick a fellow brought and a raging libido, I woke up almost noon in somebody else's place. Yeah, I am dirty. I felt shitty afterwards. Good thing, the guy I brought at the party loves to cuddle. It somehow led to smoothing my anxiety.

*****

When I got home, The Buzz was reporting something about Piolo and Sam getting ready for some legal actions against Lolit Solis. I thought: bagay si Piolo at si Sam, pero ang cheap na naman ng issue.