Madonna

Her new set of cheeks is bothering me! I don't like those 'chicken cutlets' on her face. It reminds me of Madame Auring.



I miss the Madonna that I can view on You Tube. If there is a way to summon back the Maddona from the 90's, I'd definitely hit that.

To be rejected, or to be rejected.

I was rejected by someone that I don't even know.

It was the first time that I went to Trinoma. I didn't fall in love with Trinoma unlike what Greenbelt or Alabang Town Center did. I just tagged along my good friend Cherry and some of her people: Bonnie, Nikko and Germaine. But the experience was good. I love it when the people I'm with love to talk, and I must say that those people has a passion for talking.

Some coffee and tons of cigarrettes after, someone in the group suggested that I get to know her good gay friend. Gay friend, as what was suggested, is a good writer (used to write for Chalk magazine), he was supposed to be an avid fan of books, is good looking, and is masculine enough for me. I'm not sure, but Cherry's people must have gotten to know the traits that I look for a guy within the 2 hours of talking and cigarrettes.

The plan was, Germaine will make sure that the guy is available, and his number will be forwarded to me. I agreed. Somehow I wanted to know the guy, but being disappointed and devastated many times with these set-ups, I didn't expect too much.

So, after a few days, the guy's number was forwarded. I must admit, I'm not sure what to do. Asking the guy if we can be friends in a text language is not my forte. So, I just saved his number and waited for nothing from my end.

Until my new friend Bonnie forwarded a lovely, lovely message about post-break-up scenarios. Being a sucker for these things, I sent the message to all the mobile numbers saved in my phone book.

4 hours after the message was sent, 9 people reacted. I was really sleepy, but noticing that the 'guy' replied made me read his message. This was how the chain of messages went on:


'Guy': "Hi! Who is this, please?"


Me: ( I decided that I have to be forward since I wanted to sleep already.) Hey! my name is philip and i got your number from germaine and thought that we could be some sort of friends, or something.."


'Guy': Did you view my friendster account?


Me: Yeah, I think I did once, you look cute. ( Damn! ang corny ng reply ko, leche!)


No reply from the 'guy'. I went to sleep and dreamt of something surreal like candles and labyrinthine houses.


The next morning was the time that I was blown. I was rejected by someone that I don't even know. And that the feeling is not that nice!




Ngek, what did I do to deserve this? Siguro ayaw sa mga blonde:

I miss my Tita Leyn!

Wala na akong kasamang kakanta ng 'Sana Ngayong Pasko'..

What the hell?!?

I said:

Atlas,

I'm not sure of the length of time I struggled to move on from you. I am sure that it is obvious. Remember the time you called me at my mobile? You where still in the US back then. I know it was you. I hanged up. I was trying hard to forget you. I was bit by bit succeeding, until you came back.

I was not expecting anything but to get to rekindle the friendship. You stayed in my place the that night, we kissed, we somehow had sex. You said you missed me, I felt the same way. That is something that friends never do. I was in shock the whole time. I can not believe what was happening. I can not believe I was doing it with you again. Yet, it was there. It happened. I was happy. I was somewhat completed.

Today I received a call from June. I was sleeping when I got the call. Just imagine the horror I am having. Is he the June I am thinking of, the one who has my Lyceum shirt? Are you staying at his place? Are you two 'together'?

What are we? Are we 'together'? What are we?

I deserve an explanation. I need as much explaining from you. Please be considerate, I know that you are well aware of what depression is and its effects. Explain, so that if I will get depressed again about this, it might as well start right at this very moment.



He responded:

Hi Philip,

Yes, I'm staying at June's place now. The numbers I used are his. We are together.

I know depression and that's exactly what I feared. I realized that both of us haven't changed. Things are actually still the same for you. With that, I knew only worse would come. I do remember the postings you made on the internet. I took it as act of anger and simply let it go.

I'm supposed to be in a rehab center or mental ward right now, and clearly I'm not. I left my family in NJ because I refused to be attended by psychiatrists and psychologists. I have major personal issues that I wish not to go back to. It would be best that I don't show or let you experience the same things. I want us to be friends, and we have been great friends, but I know you won't even have that. I have repeatedly cited my intentions regarding our relationship. Yes we kissed on Saturday and even performed fellatios to each other. That's another area that perhaps we are not compatible in. And something I'm not comfortable in - it brings me to virulent parts of my youth. I meant it when I said, "I missed you". Yes friends do that. But I believe that friends shouldn't do that. We both know it happened and it was all real.

You' re still as moved by your emotions as before. I have been emotionally and mentally erratic and other anxieties. We both have depressive tendencies. I have substance abuse tendencies. The end of the equation will be unhealthy for both of us.

I'm sorry for how terrible I've made you feel. An apology may still not get through to you, but it really lies on you now.

I will wait for your reply. Also, don't expect that I write back immediately. I had the opportunity to open my e-mail just now.

If you would like us to meet to further talk about this, let me know the time, date and place. I will try my best to be there for you. Thanks.

atlas

***What should I do?

Perfect Day

I woke up 6.22 AM, made some coffee and some toast for myself.

Sister shoved a glassful of cranberry juice for me to try on. This is part of her 'diet na pang-model', along with some slices of carrots and boiled kamote, one toast and a glass of cranberry juice.

I have to decline, I love my breakfast bland and unhealthy. I never liked too much flavor touching my stomach early in the morning.

7.30 AM, after making a fool of myself by smoking in our floor and getting my neighbor reporting me to whomever she reported me into, I was doing my laundry. This usually is the time of the week for me to domesticate myself. I hate it!

Anyhow, I have been doing this routine for a year now. I wake up, work, sleep, wake up, sleep, work. Haay, I want some changes..

*******

There'll be a time that my friend Cherry will decide to again go hit the computer to embrace the modernity of our generation. And when she does..hehe..


I want to thank you for being always there. Remember this perfect day? San Mig Lights for us at 9.00 in the morning. This will make us old, but yeah, it was fun.

Thanks!

Sedona Sunset

My life has its sunshines and its sunsets. For the past week, I am pregnant of the feeling of a sunset. Sunsets may imply many things. One might perceive that a sunset is just one of those 'start of any beginnings'. But for me, sunset implies an end. Another of those silly goodbyes.

I just hope that when the sun shines the next day, the pregnancy is painlessly aborted.

monogamous relationship, anyone?

Four gay men was in Starbucks - Intramuros last Thursday night. It was a call from Lino that got me showering and getting dressed for the monthly rendezvous. Lino is a research person for an NGO. With Lino and me were Chit and Roma. Chit is a chef and Roma is an event organizer. We all have nothing in common except the love for men, and the love for Chit's famous aunt, Josie Natori.

Lino was the one who got us all coming in time. He just broke up with his beau because of the latter's philandering. Lino was the type that any gay man could be more than happy to be with. With his wit and charms, I say that he is a good catch. Being Lino, I can't stop thinking why would his ex-beau do such thing? Lino being in his situation is also the main culprit in reinstating the big question in my head: Can gay men stay in a monogamous relationship?

Honestly, I think I might have the answer to my own question a long time ago. When I was with the 'love of my life', who happens to be an ex nowadays, there was a time when I let myself give in. I gave in to somebody I don't even know. I know that what I did was something not to be proud of, but I did it. Up to now, I can't say exactly what made me do it. There must be different factors that I'm not that aware of up to this day. Or, it could be plainly libog.

I never told my ex about it though. No one knows until now.

Having been into 'it', I must say that it didn't affect the relationship. Why? Because my ex didn't know that I did it. This thing might not affect our relationship because of him not knowing of the deed, but, clearly, it is an answer to my question. Most gay men might not stay in a monogamous relationship. It was a choice that these gay men can not clearly explain.

Ikaw, what do you think?

San Lazaro Hospital and their rodents

My sister will be spending two weeks at the Cavite Mental Institution. No, she'll not be checking herself in, she'll be there as a volunteer aid. It's actually part of her curriculum to endanger her life from time to time.

There was a time when she has to spend weeks in San Lazaro Hospital in Manila. If you haven't heard of that hospital, it is where those serious infectious diseases are usually treated. Kind of scary, huh? But, then again, she doesn't have any other options but to serve her 'sentence' of weeks assisting nurses and doctors in treating people who didn't know how to properly use condoms.

Sis, having a good heart, became a bit attached to one of their patients (which is not really an advised attitude in her field). The patient is named Tita Daria. Tita Daria has a sexually infected disease, which would require his behind to profusely bleed, his stomach to have these monstrous aching every now and then, some unknown skin rash and lastly, a really bad cough.

Dinner table would be the venue of my sister's litanies about her favorite patient. My part would be the captive audience, listening to the gorry details while inhaling nilaga or tinola. I have to say that Tita Daria's case is really interesting. Pang-Maalaala Mo Kaya. He is a gay-transvestite who used to earn his living via prostitution. Later on, he got this disease. Now, he is bed-ridden and almost non-functioning. If only Tita Daria could have popped out that condom...hay..

And then one night, sister and a colleague of hers were called in to assist a patient. The patient happend to be the Tita Daria, coughing so hard, blood would spurt off his mouth. So, on my sister went to assist, sliding the hand gloves provided by the hospital.

No, Tita Daria didn't die that night. But guess what happened. After the patient coughed blood into them, the colleague discovered that the hospital has rodents. The hospital-provided gloves has these small holes, mice bitten holes probably. The holes were open invitation for the patient's blood to seep into the handglove. The colleague happened to have wounded herself earlier that day.

I'm not really sure what happened into the colleague. I just hope that she is still her healthy self, and that the hospital and their school are helping her with anything that might happen.

This made me thinking, what are rats doing in San Lazaro Hospital? And are there any law or acts provided for medical students? These people has their lilves endangered every time. I just wish there are some solutions if this instances occurs.