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beautiful...

must hate weddings..II

The funny thing is that at this point, I choose not to believe in long term or lifetime relationships. If you'll ask me why, I say it is because it's really not healthy to hold on to something that will eventually end. I learned that lesson ages ago. The lecture I got from that lesson was really hard. But eventually, I became a good student and learned how to apply it.

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Anyhow, I was in my guys4men account last time and I realized that the two guys I have bookmarked has the same set of pictures. I'm pretty sure that both accounts are fake. I'm just wondering who this guy is. He's cute. He's chinito. He's mysterious (because the accounts that has his images are not real). He's an eye-love!!! Here are some of his images.




Cute!


hmm...

must hate weddings

Sunday afternoons usually mean running personal errands, crazily scrubbing my bathroom tiles without handgloves, reading the latest book that I purchased or borrowed, or hooking up with a stranger I met on a Friday night. But that Sunday was really different. I was at the wedding of my cousin, to whom, a long time ago, I thought I've fallen in love to.



I didn't really want to come because (like many gay people of my age), wedding is like a funeral, just a bit glamored. But there I was that Sunday afternoon, wearing my Barong Tagalog and sweating like a mad pig. I decided to go just to pacify my mom, and also because I want to see Fernwood Gardens.

I really don't have something against weddings, I'm just not designed to be seated in a table with strangers on the reception and try to act as if I'm enjoying their company. That would be the one reason why I don't like coming to these gatherings, and the fact that many relatives would inevitably ask when I will get married too. One more time they do this, I'll scream at their faces that I am GAY, and that they should notice that.



Anyhow, the mass turned out to be a bit emotional on my part. Suddenly, I noticed how perfect that wedding was. Everything was just plain romantic. Everyone was beautiful. It was an intimate gathering of people celebrating the thing that the groom and the bride have been tastefully brewing.


And then a thought hit me. It hit me so hard that I was left melting after giving that thought a chance to corrupt me. I thought that I will never have this kind of thing in my whole life. It was funny and depressing...(to be continued)

P.S. as usual, I'm sleep deprived, so I have to rest my eyes for now. I just have to post this and set some of the thoughts free from my system.

amazing

Tuesdays are always the most depressing day of my work week. Everyone I know has their rainy Mondays. On the other hand, I have my lazy, depressing, cigarette induced Tuesday! My lungs will soon collapse because of these Tuesdays. I'm not really sure why this happens. (depressing)

Anyhow, this entry is not really about work, nor about me (hmm). When I got into the office, I happen to pass by my friend's Yakisoba infested work desk. Like most of the days, the nosy me tried to butt into her world again to be noticed...and then I saw...





This is my very good friend, Leyn turning into this uber fab modelo. I'm really envying these pictures...like bitch envy!!





I can't find the words anymore, soon my contact lenses will pop out from my eyeballs and scream at me. I've been sleep deprived for 3 days now, so..




Next entry I'll be scooping more details about Cholo, the photog, and the images he creates ( and also if he is gay, single, top or bottom, et al). But for now, I just posted some pictures of Leyn.

P.S. images are a bit small though.. Leyn doesn't even know I got these from her..hehe

bitter kasi single

(I used to have a blog prior to this one. And this was the first entry that I had there. Funny the way I used to think at that time.)


"I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with the maximum of pleasure, and minimum of bullshit. LOVE is something straight people tell themselves they're in, so they can get laid and they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with."
-Brian Kinney(Queer as Folk)


Sometimes I imagine myself in Brian's pants and shoes. Maybe, if I'm going to act the way he does or believe in the things he believes in, then life would be a lot bearable.
You see, I was burned before. I was burnt too much that I was left with scars my soul would bear for the rest of time. Once I was having a cig alone, a thought came up. We all experienced being scarred from loving something, for loving someone. It's like the burning sand that you walk in before you get to the shore. You have to feel the burning sensation. You have to scream if you have to for screaming and ranting and being bitter is part of the process. You scream and scream until you can't no more. Throat dries up so your only choice is to keep everything inside and cope and salvage yourself from the feeling that is slowly eating you.
Then silence. Then the cooling effect of the sea water on your feet. Then the comfort, the silent bliss.
But then again, this process is tiring. And everytime I experience this, there is a moment when I might not reach the shore. The next time I might not reach it...

must be...

There are two Victors in this lifetime of mine that fascinate me. One is the maker of those uber nice jeans (which my credit card allowed me to have..purita). The other one is the guy that is on the picture. There is just something in him that tickles me and my libido.Pardon for the term, but he just oozes with...hmm...I'm not really sure what term to use eh. He just makes my heart melt. Oh, that would be it! It's like I want to keep that guy inside my pocket so that no one can see him but me (selfish bitch!), and I would grab him out of my pocket everytime I'm feeling blue. This must be love. Imagine seeing this guy the moment you wake up..snoring silently by your side..looking so vulnerable, then he wakes up and smiles. Heaven.

P.S. I heard a lot of things about this dreamboat..one is that is 'gay'. hmmm..

Keannu made me Pink

Keannu Reeves made me gay. Or, ok..it's safer to say that he made me come out. I remember watching the movie 'A walk in the Clouds' for the very first time,and something inside me... the lower part of me reacted in a very 'weird' way. ( at that time it was weird for me to feel that). So, suddenly, I knew I'm gay. Suddenly, there was excitement when the screen would be focused on Keannu's imperfectly perfect face. And his pits too!



But, I never really have to come out. Yep, I admitted it only to myself. So imagine that for a very long time, I had the secret embedded to myself. Only to me. I didn't realized that some people are already wondering the what-nots of me being me at that time. Some thought that I'm just weird that way.

One day, I was silently taking notes for a class on Protocol and Ettiquette (DFA style), when I asked my seatmate (who happen to be my friend Carlo) if the 'taas collar' look for my black Lacoste would suit me. He just replied oo. And added: 'Sabi ko na nga ba eh'. I just smiled at him. He already knew. I don't have to explain.

The only thing that bothers me is that I have never came out to my family yet. Mom and sis don't know. Or, I just think they don't know. But I'm pretty sure that they do. I just don't have the guts to talk it over dinner or something. Again, I think I don't have to explain. They just know.